YAKIMA, Wash. — For families with small children, every birthday marks a year of big changes, one that’s commemorated with happiness, laughter and love. They sing to their little ones, watch them open presents and celebrate as they blow out candles and make a wish.
But for the family of Lucian Munguia, his fifth birthday is just one more reminder that he’s not here and they don’t know if he ever will be again. His aunt, Amy Bailey, said it’s one of the hardest days they’ve had so far.
“It’s closer and closer to a month that he’s been missing,” Bailey said. “The fact that he’s not here for his birthday, it just adds salt to the wound … He deserves to be with us.”
This isn’t how the family pictured spending this milestone, but with Lucian still missing, they didn’t want to let October 5th pass them by without marking the day their little boy was brought into the world.
“We would rather be here trying to get volunteers and trying to make sure his face stays out there today, than just sitting at home wallowing in our sadness,” Bailey said. “The only thing that matters to us is getting Lucian home.”
Family members, friends and community members gathered Wednesday to mark Lucian’s 5th birthday at Sarg Hubbard Park, where he disappeared on Sept. 10, 2022. They released five biodegradable balloons, floated sunflowers into the pond and held a candlelight vigil.
All of this, a way to keep Lucian’s name and face out in the community, in case he’s out there somewhere. Police have said there’s no evidence indicating foul play and that a video shows Lucian walking away from the playground on his own.
However, with searches of the area — including ponds, lakes and the river — repeatedly coming up empty and no leads as to where Lucian might be, it’s left the family wondering if this is a tragic accident, a crime, or some combination of both.
“The hardest part is the not knowing,” Bailey said.
Aspen Victim Advocacy Services program manager Debbie Brockman has been counseling victims of crime and trauma for years. She said that the prolonged feelings of grief combined with uncertainty has a name: ambiguous loss.
“Because there’s no answers and so you can’t make sense of it,” Brockman said. “Sometimes, you blame yourself. You think, ‘What could have I could have done differently there?’”
Brockman said when a trauma is left unresolved — like in open criminal investigations or missing person cases — victims and their families can make it through some stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining and depression.
But without knowing what happened, continuing to grieve a loss they cannot name, they can’t make it to acceptance or move toward healing. They’re struck in a traumatic limbo, a pendulum swinging back and forth from hopefulness to helplessness, with no reprieve.
Brockman said it’s especially difficult for families whose trauma is public knowledge, on display and up for debate among strangers on social media.
“Everybody has an opinion,” Brockman said. “People that don’t necessarily have the whole story and feel comfortable from the comfort of their home and their little keyboard to to make judgmental comments … things that can be incredibly hurtful to the family.”
However, whether the online attacks are coming from people half a world away or from parents within the community, Brockman said it’s not always coming from a malicious place. She said often, placing blame on others is easier for people than dealing with not knowing.
“Because if we say it’s something that this person or this family did, that caused this, then in a strange way, it makes us feel safer,” Brockman said.
Brockman said one example is the people who say something like this could never happen to them because they never, ever take their eyes off their children.
“Even though the reality is most people can think of a situation where they had a moment of panic or they actually did lose their child for a minute or longer,” Brockman said.
Brockman cautions anyone wanting to comment on a post or send a message about this situation to pause and ask themselves what could end up being pretty uncomfortable questions.
“Why am I reacting this way? Why am I having such a strong reaction to this? It’s fear,” Brockman said.
For a family experiencing every parent’s worst nightmare, searching for a missing child who’s essentially vanished into thin air, Brockman said any additional negativity can add to the trauma they’re already experiencing.
Brockman said even people wanting to do something to make a difference can cross the thin line between helping the family and hurting them if they don’t respect their wishes, needs and boundaries.
“You care deeply and we as a community care deeply, but this is this family’s loss. This is their pain, that we can imagine, but we’re not experiencing it,” Brockman said. “At what point does it become more about you and less about who you were initially intending to provide assistance to?”
Brockman said again, anyone in the community having a strong reaction to this situation should take a closer look at why and figure out a constructive way to process those emotions, whether it’s talking to a trusted friend, calling a help line or seeking professional help.
“Don’t be quick to judge them or believe that they’ve done something wrong,” Brockman said. “You know, just be there to provide that loving support in whatever kind of a way that you’re able to.”
Lucian’s family continues to ask the community to put up missing child flyers across the city, county, state or wherever else they can post them. They’re holding on to the hope that he might be out there somewhere, anywhere.
“We just want to know that there’s a solid lead, that there’s something that gives us an ‘Okay, we can get him back,’” Bailey said. “We’re gonna keep keep trying until we get that, until he’s home.”
Anyone with any information about Lucian’s disappearance or current whereabouts should contact the Yakima Police Department at 509-575-6200.
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